Missing my father

My papa passed away last August 2. He left all of the sudden. I remembered our last supper together that I, my mom and him had eaten our dinner and watched the news and talked. I didn’t see any pain that night. Although I know that he had having a hard time with his cough due to his pneumonia. Even my brother who was here, he didn’t see any pain in him. According to my mom, he was happy to see my younger sister’s baby on Facebook.

We weren’t prepared from what happened that morning. In a matter of minutes, and the only thing I said to him, “Pa, don’t give up. You can do it.” and the moment the van closed the door, I saw his face and I knew from that moment that he wasn’t going to made it this time. I didn’t go with my mom to the hospital because I didn’t want for her to see that I began to weakened. 

I was crying and prayed to the Lord and said “If he’s going to survive, please make him survive, but if you are going to take him from us, I will lift everything to your hands now”. I didn’t even say “I love you, Pa” for the one last time. Mom called and confirmed that he had left us. She was sounded calmed and I knew that she was in shock and couldn’t cried herself and after hanging up,  I couldn’t helped it but burst into tears. I poured it all out while she was there with my brother, taking care of everything. I pmed my cousins, my uncle and auntie in US, in facebook and was waiting for any answers from them. Mom arrived hours passed and she began to cry. I comforted her and can’t even cry myself in front of her because I didn’t want to show her that I’m weak. 

For 4 days of wake, I and my brother ran errands and fixing papers. I would like to thank my friend Shirley, my college friends, my brother’s friends, my mom’s friends, our relatives and our neighbors who came to pay their last respect to my father. That Friday night that I arranged for a private Catholic mass for him, I would like to thank Father Peter Calvo who allowed himself to made it even in late at night. For the wonderful Homily.

That Saturday during the cremation, I had to FB video conference with my auntie in US so she could deliver her message for my father and to see him for the last time. Without their (her and my uncle’s) endless support for my father, these would not be possible. My final message to him was “God speed, pa! and our last message is that we love you. We love you so much, and please guide us through this journey. Please take care of mama during her operation next month.” After his cremation, my father sent us a message with an occurrence. It rained and then after we left the crematory, it stopped and the sky went opened and shined so bright. 

Thank you, Lord for letting my father to be with you. He is now happy with my Grandfather, Grandmother, his younger brother, Tito Lando and his younger sister, Tita Susan. 


It wasn’t easy after that. I had to fixed my papers while we were fixing so many papers of my father’s and some issues/responsibilities that my mother and my siblings need to carry up for now on up to 2020. A pressure that we didn’t expect to happen. I had to do my delays at work and sideline job are another pressure. My new role to take care of my mother and my nephews when their parents aren’t around. It’s too overwhelming. I wanted to cry during at night but I’m sleeping beside my mom now and I don’t want for her to see it, but when I’m alone, I can’t help it but to let the emotions out.

I was glad that my relationship with my father was fixed before this happened and now I’m missing my papa even more.

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